THE GEO-POLITICAL SCHOOLYARD
USA: The guy who's quarterback and captain of the football team. He is convinced that the world would collapse without his grandeur. He gets annoyed by those who don't genuflect before the awesomeness of the contribution he makes to the school. Everyone complains about his overbearing arrogance but if push came to shove, most would rather be in his shoes. He knows he's immune from the school board's rules because he's the quarterback and captain of the football team.

The "blindly support the president" crowd: The folks who organize shrill pep rallies and berate the lack of spirit when only a quarter of the students paint their faces in school colors.

Britain and Australia: The linemen who do much of the quarterback's dirty work but get none of the glory.

Italy and Spain: The waterboys who suck up to the captain of the football team in the hopes of some small reflected glory.

The rest of the "coalition of the willing": The fat kids who toady up to the captain of the football team in the hopes of not getting the shit beat of them.

France and Germany: The artistic types who constantly complain about the arrogance of athletes. They are certain they are morally superior than the superficial jocks and cheerleaders, but their self-righteousness gets on people's nerves almost as much as the captain of the football team's. They're the ones that everyone makes juvenile taunts to because they think it makes them look cool.

Russia: The captain of the football team 10 years ago. He used to be really important and still is in his own mind. He's become a middle-aged slob with a beer gut.

China: The captain of the swim team who always bitches about how the captain of the football team gets all the attention.

Canada: The football team's punter who thinks the captain is an idiot but doesn't want to piss him off too much because he knows who stands where on the pecking order.

The UN: The school board. Is beset by petty politics but has very little actual power but is the scapegoat when things go wrong.

The "drop Bush not bombs" crowd: The Student Council. They always complain about the way school is allegedly mis-run but the most substantive improvements they propose are "Abolish homework" and "Make school fun." After unanimously agreeing on this, they content themselves with talking about how dorky the principal is. Then when no one listens to them, they cry that no one takes them seriously.

Saddam Hussein: The third grade bully. No real threat to high schoolers but he made the mistake of picking on the little cousin of the captain of the football team.

The rest of the Arab world: The third-grade bully's toadies who scream about how terribly the third-grade bully is now being tormented by the captain of the football team and how unfair this mistreatment is.

Africa: The first- and second-graders who wonder when they are going to be "liberated" from their bullies.

Humanitarian relief agencies: The school nurse. Has no control over school policies but has to clean up the messes created by others regardless.