SHOWDOWN: PRECIPITATION
This is a satirical piece I wrote in early March. A friend suggested I submit this to slate.com which I did. though it got no response from them. I still think it's amusing. Bear in mind, this was written in the heat of the debate on the invasion of Iraq, the gratuitous French/UN bashing orgy and general national temper tantrum the United States was undergoing at that time. I felt a little mischievous one Sunday and this was the result.






It rained in my city today. National and international reaction to this cataclysmic event was immediate.

Rush Limbaugh suggested that the rain was linked to the alleged friendship between French president Jacques Chirac and Ecology dictator Mother Nature. Bill O'Reilly wondered if Canadians' fondness for baseball doubleheaders had anything to do with the storm's origin around Hudson Bay.

Secretary of War Donald Rumsfeld echoed these sentiments, condemning "French appeasement" of Nature and Canadian softness on the rain problem.

In a joint press conference with British prime minister Tony Blair, President Bush blasted the United Nations for not doing enough to stop the terrible pain and the havoc the rain is causing to my city's treasured snowbanks. Blair added, "What he said."

Senator Tom Daschle and Congressman Richard Gephardt blasted the president's handling of the crisis, which CNN has been quick to label "Showdown: Precipitation." The legislators said that the president's refusal to deal with the rain question was yet another way he kowtowed to the rich. They proposed a rain tax, under which the rich (those making $20,000 a year or more) would pay a $1000 fee each time water fell from the sky. "This fund," explained Sen. Daschle "would be used to help working Americans buy umbrellas." Rep. Gephardt, however, expressed skepticism about the proposal's chances of passage due to what he called the president's pandering to the influential raincoat lobby. "We must not let Big Raingear override the wishes of the American people."

Presidential candidate Senator Joe Liebermann also criticized the president's conduct. "It's a moral imperative that we act much more quickly to beef up our counter-precipitation activities."

Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge changed the nation's alert from code orange to code flourescent grey. No one, outside of three Washington bureaucrats, is certain if this represents an upgrade, downgrade or lateral move on the security scale. Nevertheless, duct tape sales tripled in the hours after Sec. Ridge's announcement.

The political parties were divided. Democrats insisted, "This rain would not have fallen had Nader not cost Gore the election in 2000." Republicans contended that the rain crisis was linked to former President Bill Clinton and/or Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton in some unspecified way. An official Green Party statement asked why those two parties opposed legalizing drugs since both are so obviously smoking something.

Enviro-whackos cautiously advanced the notion that the rain was actually natural and should be welcomed. They were quickly denounced by Attorney General John Ashcroft who questioned their patriotism and condemned them for "giving aid and comfort to the rainmakers." The attorney general quickly submitted to Congress the "Truth Protection Act of 2003", sponsored in the House by Rep. Winston Smith; this is the first bill sponsored by Rep. Smith since his election in 1984. The legislation has been nicknamed the "enviro-whacko roundup bill." Passage by Congress is likely since the invertebrate lobby, now the Democrats' most important constituency, has expressed support for the proposal.

Anti-globalization activists argued that the rain storm demonstrates the internationalization of bad weather and called on the WTO to push for more humane atmospheric conditions. The CEOs conference in Davos, Switzerand issued a statement countering that rain was every consumers' free choice.

Reaction to the storm from the Middle East was swift. Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon tore into Palestinian leader Yassir Arafat for not doing more to stop international precipitation. Arafat responded that he condemned rain in the strongest, most unequivocal terms but that only an end to Israeli occupation would bring true meteorological peace.

There was rain reported in manyparts of Africa and South America as well, although no Western press reaction has been noted as yet.