Seen on the side of a milk carton

MISSING
Name: Landon Donovan
Profession: Soccer player
DOB: 3/4/82
Height: 5'8"
Weight: 148 lbs
Last seen: Smoking mediocre Central American teams
Last seen with: Bruce Arena's judgement and US team's sense of urgency (also both unexpectedly missing)

If you've seen this missing person or have information regarding his whereabouts, please contact the US Soccer Federation at (312) 808-1300.